#3

Tonight was the 3rd night a row that Tony put Emma to bed. She did great, hardly crying and going to sleep in record time. The fact that I'm not nursing her at bedtime really hit me hard tonight. I'm not sure why, but I feel extremely sad and I'm wishing that I hadn't initiated this next step in weaning.

I feel terrible that the last night I nursed her, Nov. 30, 2009, I didn't know it was the last time. I didn't remember it, appreciate it or enjoy it. I was tired, moody and irritated that she wanted to nurse for so long and when I finally put her in her bed I was very frustrated. I came downstairs and told Tony that I was done with bedtime, I couldn't do it anymore. Maybe I shouldn't have made such a big decision when I was upset. Probably shouldn't have. But I did. And now I don't know what to do about it.

Sure, I could change things back, start nursing her at night again. But I feel like that's not fair to Emma, and would be very confusing. Especially if I was just doing it so that I could say 'this is the last time'. I am still nursing her at naptime, so we haven't weaned completely. And knowing that I'm not nursing her at bedtime has made me more aware of cuddling Emma and holding her close during the day. And it's good for Tony and Emma to have some bedtime cuddles together. I shouldn't get all the love at bedtime.

But this is a huge change for Emma and for me. We've been nursing for almost two years and I love the bond that it has built between us. We worked so hard in the beginning to get this going. I wish I could keep it going until Emma was ready to stop, but I'm just wearing out too soon to do that.