Two Week Update

I think it's done. The bedtime weaning is done. Tonight I put Emma to bed by myself and didn't nurse her, and neither of us cried!

Last week Tony had a dinner meeting with a client, so I had to put Emma to bed alone that night too. It was December 10, 2009. The last time I nursed Emma to bed. I tried to not nurse her but she was very upset and crying so I told her we could nurse for 10 minutes, then she would have to lay down in her bed. That worked, she went to bed willingly and didn't cry when I left her room.

Tonight I was afraid that she'd get upset again. She did ask to nurse several times but each time I said "remember we don't nurse at bedtime anymore." I read books to her instead and she drank her cup of water. Tony has been reading books to her at bedtime and I think she is really enjoying it, because we read four books tonight. After the 4th book I turned off the light and just rocked her and sang. She asked for the light a few times but wasn't upset and didn't ask to nurse again.

I sang and rocked for about 15 minutes, then told her it was goodnight time and laid her in her bed. She didn't cry! I was amazed. I'm a little sad but also very happy that we've established a new routine so fast that is happier for everyone.

One week

Monday was one week since I nursed Emma at night and put her to bed. Mostly I think it's going well. She seems to be adjusting just fine. Last night it only took Tony about 15 minutes to put her to bed. She cried a little when I said goodnight and left them in her room, but once I left she was fine.

I am feeling better now that she's doing well with it. I have much more energy in the evening and am actually getting things done quickly and still having time to relax. I am going to bed early or on time because I don't feel that I must stay up later to get things done.

I am also coming to realize that complete weaning is not too far off. So I'm really enjoying and appreciating the one time a day we do nurse. I am trying to memorize Emma's sweet face looking up at me, and how relaxed and warm her little body feels in my arms. I love to cradle her and hold her so close. I hope that I can continue to cradle her after we've weaned, whenever that does happen.

Bedtime weaning update

Tonight Daddy put Emma to bed without a fuss or a tear. From Emma that is. I am still sad. When we announced it was time for bed, she gave me several long looks, like she was wondering what I was going to do. But she went up with Daddy and never asked to nurse or cried when he put her to bed. I guess I am doing ok, I didn't cry through the whole bedtime tonight. I am still nursing at nap time and trying to enjoy and appreciate every minute of it. Today at nap time Emma fell asleep fairly quickly, within 10 minutes. But the first 4-5 times I tried to unlatch her, she woke up and asked to nurse more. So of course I did. I'm sure she was just trying to hang out since it's the only time we nurse now. My supply already has slow down so I'm not dealing with any discomfort.

#3

Tonight was the 3rd night a row that Tony put Emma to bed. She did great, hardly crying and going to sleep in record time. The fact that I'm not nursing her at bedtime really hit me hard tonight. I'm not sure why, but I feel extremely sad and I'm wishing that I hadn't initiated this next step in weaning.

I feel terrible that the last night I nursed her, Nov. 30, 2009, I didn't know it was the last time. I didn't remember it, appreciate it or enjoy it. I was tired, moody and irritated that she wanted to nurse for so long and when I finally put her in her bed I was very frustrated. I came downstairs and told Tony that I was done with bedtime, I couldn't do it anymore. Maybe I shouldn't have made such a big decision when I was upset. Probably shouldn't have. But I did. And now I don't know what to do about it.

Sure, I could change things back, start nursing her at night again. But I feel like that's not fair to Emma, and would be very confusing. Especially if I was just doing it so that I could say 'this is the last time'. I am still nursing her at naptime, so we haven't weaned completely. And knowing that I'm not nursing her at bedtime has made me more aware of cuddling Emma and holding her close during the day. And it's good for Tony and Emma to have some bedtime cuddles together. I shouldn't get all the love at bedtime.

But this is a huge change for Emma and for me. We've been nursing for almost two years and I love the bond that it has built between us. We worked so hard in the beginning to get this going. I wish I could keep it going until Emma was ready to stop, but I'm just wearing out too soon to do that.

Today

Today has been ok. Since we still have only one car, and Tony had a meeting up north at 9am, I was not able to take Emma to Mother's Day Out. I spent a lot of time trying to connect with her, playing with her and reading to her. She seems to be fine, she's been happy, playing well and eating well. At her nap time we did nurse. She was very content and nursed for about 15 minutes and feel asleep. I was ready for her to nurse too. After skipping last night, my left side was starting to hurt. I think it will take about to week for my milk supply to go down, and then I won't have the discomfort. I am still sad thinking that we are another step closer to completely weaning, but then a part of me is also feeling some relief. I know the nights will be hard for a while until Emma adjusts to her Daddy putting her to bed. I hope that it won't be too long before we can both put her to bed peacefully without nursing. It would be nice to take turns and share the bedtime duties.

Weaning Update

Tonight I did not nurse Emma at bedtime. Instead, Tony read to her, rocked her, and put her to bed. It was very hard. Emma was upset and crying at times, as was I. She called for me repeatedly and asked to nurse. Tony was able to calm her down and she did eventually go to sleep.

I have really been feeling burned out on nursing and the whole bedtime routine lately. After we cut back in the summer I hoped that as Emma got older she would start to lose interest on her own, but instead she asks to nurse more than the 2 times a day we have been. At night she wants to nurse for 30-45 minutes and that just leaves me feeling tired and drained. By the time I'd get her to bed I would be frustrated and tired and there wasn't much evening time left for me to have to myself. I started to limit the nursing to about 15 or 20 minutes, but then Emma would be very upset, and so I'd lay down on the floor by her crib to be near her until she fell asleep. But I ran out of patience for that, so I'd have to sneak out of her room.

I have conflicting feelings about stopping the bedtime nursing. On the one hand I feel that Emma really needs that connection to me. But then I am feeling so tired and a little bit trapped by it. I feel guilty that my own needs are conflicting with Emma's needs. I wish I wasn't feeling this way, that I could keep nursing Emma as much as she wants. But at some point I have to take my own needs into consideration. That's just a very hard thing to do, when your baby is crying and you have to make the hard decision.