Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The "I Have" List

I am a list maker. Grocery store, Target, Mall, things to do, places to go, craft projects, home improvement projects; these are all lists that I make frequently. They are all wish lists in some way. Wishes for a nice home and yard, wishes for good things to eat, wishes for clothes, toys, etc. The goal is to make a list, then cross the item off when I get what I want. Lately I've been having a lot of "I wants". But when I get what I want, I still want more. So I'm making an "I Have" List. These things won't be crossed off; these are things that I wanted and now have, and I need to remember, appreciate and cherish them.

I have a wonderful husband who would and does so much for me!
I have a beautiful daughter that makes me smile and laugh everyday!
I have two sweet kitties that love me even if they never show it and always make a terrible mess in the litterbox.
I have a nice home that we do take care of and improve when we can, a little bit here and there.
I have clothes and shoes to wear everyday.
I have food to cook and eat everyday.
I have yarn to knit and make things with.

I write this not to brag but to thank the Lord for his blessings. We had a wonderful weekend with family and friend and for that I am very thankful!

Monday, June 29, 2009


We are talking about weaning Emma, actually have been for some time. I have a lot of thoughts and feeling on the subject. I'm pretty conflicted about it. Emma is now 18 months old and I've been feeling pressure to wean her for at least 6 months. I would love to nurse her until she weans gradually on her own but we'd also like to have another baby soon, and the nursing is keeping that from happening.

So we have been cutting back for a few months. We now only nurse 3 times a day, and occasionally during the night if she wakes up. Just a few months ago we were still nursing 7-8 times a day and more at night. I think part of that was because she was teething. She got about 8 teeth with in two months so she wanted to nurse all the time. Even though we are only nursing in the morning, at nap time and bed time, she asks to nurse at other times in the day. It's hard to distract her from this but I am trying. I'd love to just cuddle her and give her some milk or water but it seems like she can't sit in my lap without wanting to nurse. And she does not like cow's milk at all. I've also tried soy milk but this girl just wants water or breastmilk!

I don't know why she still has such a great interest in nursing. I play with her a lot and try to bond with her in other ways but she still wants to nurse. I feel guilty for trying to wean her when she still has this great need. We worked so hard in the beginning to get the nursing to work so part of me doesn't want to let that go.

I am going to try to drop another nursing session this week. Not sure if the morning or nap time session is better, but I imagine either one will be hard. How do I get her to sleep without nursing? I can't rock her without her wanting to nurse. I wish my milk supply would decrease but it's still going strong. If I drop the morning session, I will miss snuggling with her in our bed as she nurses. She's so sweet and still when she nurses! She just looks up at me with her beautiful blue eyes and touches my face so softly.

I am afraid of really hurting her in some way by weaning before she's ready. I don't want her to harbor bad feelings toward me. But part of me feels that it is time, that I want to wean her. I just wish it would be easy. But it's not going to be, so I have to be strong and focused and just do it. But which part of me is right? See, I'm just conflicted in my feelings and it makes it very hard to figure out what is right, what I really want to do. I guess I really just need to pray about this and give it to God, and hopefully that will help me figure this out.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Monday, June 01, 2009

What is it?

I am feeling something that I'm not sure what it is. Melancholy? Sadness? Faithless? Something is off but I'm not sure what or what to do about it. Generally things are good. Hubby and I are doing great. Emma is the most wonderful little girl and I love her so much! But I feel...something. Disconnected? I don't know. I do feel behind. Behind in knitting, behind in posting, behind in taking video and pictures of Emma, behind in finding my freaking camera that has been lost for weeks, behind in housework, behind in keeping up with my friends, behind in paying any attention to my kitties. There is just not enough time in the day for everything I want to do. And some things that I have to do take a lot of time, even if I don't want to do them. Sigh.

What an uplifting post huh? The faithless word up there is getting to me. I haven't lost my faith in God, have I? I don't think so. But I sure wonder why such terrible things happen and He lets them. Is it to show us that we could be a better world if we choose to be? That it's up to us? But why us, why doesn't He just make it a better world? What can I do to make it better? I think that's it, I am wondering what I'm supposed to me doing. Is God calling me to do something and I'm just not hearing it? I get so upset reading about terrible things that happen everyday, to people all over the world. To children, to babies, to moms and dads and old people and animals. I suppose I should stop reading them, but I still know they are happening.

I hate this feeling of uncertainty. I really don't like this post much either, but I guess I'll publish it. Maybe I will go read my Bible and it'll make me feel better. But I'll probably just go to bed, after cleaning up the kitchen, scooping the litterbox, and washing Emma's diapers.