Monday, July 28, 2008

Monday, July 21, 2008

Donna Marie Mangrum, 1924-2008

Last night my last living grandparent passed away. My Dad's mother, Donna Marie Mangrum, died at about 10:30pm in West, TX. I have been here in West since Saturday afternoon. This is was not unexpected, she has been in declining health for a while and it really went down this month.

I did get to see her and spend a few minutes with her on Saturday and yesterday evening. It is really hard to see her looking not like herself. But I wanted to tell her goodbye and hold her hand and I'm glad that I did.

It has been almost two years since my Pawpaw died, in August 2006. So I am glad that they are together again. Her Alzheimer's Disease had been very bad the last 5 or more years, but when Pawpaw died she really lost her last link with the world, so in a way she has been gone for a while already.

I am feeling a lot of different things. Sadness of course, but also some relief that her struggle is over, and that my Dad, Mom, and the rest of the family can go on and not see her struggling. But also I feel a sense of dread. My grandparents are all gone. Now I have a baby, and some day hopefully more children. So my parents and Tony's parents are now in the grandparent roles. I dread watching them get older, knowing that one day it will be my turn to bury my parents. I truly hope that they all have another 25 or more years left, but we can never know for certain. Ok, I have to stop this line of thinking. Very disturbing and nothing good can come of it.

Goodbye Granny! I know that you are back with Pawpaw, and your mind is whole again! Thank you for all your years of love, encouragement, and support. I'll never forget your pancake breakfasts, and your wild stories of getting married at aged 16! You are a sweet lady, and I'll always love you.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Ho hum - random thoughts

I really don't have the time to blog anymore like I want too. I only have time now because Emma is napping, but it's very limited, she'll wake up soon. I can blog more at night after she's gone to sleep, but I'm so tired then and it's hard to make coherent thoughts.

My Granny Mangrum is very sick. She's my last grandparent living. But really she's been gone for a while, due to the mental deterioration from that terrible disease that starts with an "A" that I can't spell. She's in the nursing home in West, and since yesterday they put her on oxygen and discontinued her meds, except for painkillers. It will be a blessing when she has passed and is reunited with my Pawpaw. She's been without him for almost 2 years. In 2006 we lost Pawpaw, then last year, 2007, my Granny Peterson. So this year it will be Granny Mangrum. I feel really sad that she didn't get to met my Emma. But I know that all my grandparents are watching out for Emma and she will too.

I've been at home with Emma since mid-April, about 3 months now. I do not regret leaving my job one bit, although I do miss some things about working. Mostly just the time to myself, which I don't get a lot of these days. I also miss going out to lunch and seeing my friends. But I am finding ways to get out and see people now, with Emma. Twice a week I take Emma to Town Lake and walk the trails with another friend and her baby. We do the 3 mile loop in about an hour. It gets me out of the house, exercise, and time to talk with another adult! I also go to a couple of La Leche League meetings 2 times a month, and I've started going to an attached parenting meeting once a month. Attached Parenting is a whole parenting concept I don't know much about it, but I get to see and talk to other parents and there is food at the meetings, so I'm going!

Sometimes I do get frustrated with being at home. I feel that since I'm here I should be able to do so much and have a clean house and dinner cooked, etc. Now, I know that is not possible and that Tony doesn't expect that. But I am sort of an overachiever and I want to be good at my job. I was a good purchaser and now I want to be a good stay at home mom, and I just put too much pressure on myself to do everything, which is just not possible. Even though I know this, part of me still gets down about it. I am harder on myself than anyone else can be. It's just something that I need to accept and go with the flow and relax! Easy for me to say but harder to do.