Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Ho hum - random thoughts

I really don't have the time to blog anymore like I want too. I only have time now because Emma is napping, but it's very limited, she'll wake up soon. I can blog more at night after she's gone to sleep, but I'm so tired then and it's hard to make coherent thoughts.

My Granny Mangrum is very sick. She's my last grandparent living. But really she's been gone for a while, due to the mental deterioration from that terrible disease that starts with an "A" that I can't spell. She's in the nursing home in West, and since yesterday they put her on oxygen and discontinued her meds, except for painkillers. It will be a blessing when she has passed and is reunited with my Pawpaw. She's been without him for almost 2 years. In 2006 we lost Pawpaw, then last year, 2007, my Granny Peterson. So this year it will be Granny Mangrum. I feel really sad that she didn't get to met my Emma. But I know that all my grandparents are watching out for Emma and she will too.

I've been at home with Emma since mid-April, about 3 months now. I do not regret leaving my job one bit, although I do miss some things about working. Mostly just the time to myself, which I don't get a lot of these days. I also miss going out to lunch and seeing my friends. But I am finding ways to get out and see people now, with Emma. Twice a week I take Emma to Town Lake and walk the trails with another friend and her baby. We do the 3 mile loop in about an hour. It gets me out of the house, exercise, and time to talk with another adult! I also go to a couple of La Leche League meetings 2 times a month, and I've started going to an attached parenting meeting once a month. Attached Parenting is a whole parenting concept I don't know much about it, but I get to see and talk to other parents and there is food at the meetings, so I'm going!

Sometimes I do get frustrated with being at home. I feel that since I'm here I should be able to do so much and have a clean house and dinner cooked, etc. Now, I know that is not possible and that Tony doesn't expect that. But I am sort of an overachiever and I want to be good at my job. I was a good purchaser and now I want to be a good stay at home mom, and I just put too much pressure on myself to do everything, which is just not possible. Even though I know this, part of me still gets down about it. I am harder on myself than anyone else can be. It's just something that I need to accept and go with the flow and relax! Easy for me to say but harder to do.

1 comment:

JessBless said...

So sorry about your Granny. I hope she can pass peacefully.

It's good that you are getting plugged into groups and routines so that you can have an adult outlet for yourself!

Don't be too hard on yourself. The most important thing is that you are interacting with Emma and spending precious time with her. No truly loved kid ever wished that their parents would have spent less time with them and more time on chores. :) Your doing a great job!!