Weaning Update

Tonight I did not nurse Emma at bedtime. Instead, Tony read to her, rocked her, and put her to bed. It was very hard. Emma was upset and crying at times, as was I. She called for me repeatedly and asked to nurse. Tony was able to calm her down and she did eventually go to sleep.

I have really been feeling burned out on nursing and the whole bedtime routine lately. After we cut back in the summer I hoped that as Emma got older she would start to lose interest on her own, but instead she asks to nurse more than the 2 times a day we have been. At night she wants to nurse for 30-45 minutes and that just leaves me feeling tired and drained. By the time I'd get her to bed I would be frustrated and tired and there wasn't much evening time left for me to have to myself. I started to limit the nursing to about 15 or 20 minutes, but then Emma would be very upset, and so I'd lay down on the floor by her crib to be near her until she fell asleep. But I ran out of patience for that, so I'd have to sneak out of her room.

I have conflicting feelings about stopping the bedtime nursing. On the one hand I feel that Emma really needs that connection to me. But then I am feeling so tired and a little bit trapped by it. I feel guilty that my own needs are conflicting with Emma's needs. I wish I wasn't feeling this way, that I could keep nursing Emma as much as she wants. But at some point I have to take my own needs into consideration. That's just a very hard thing to do, when your baby is crying and you have to make the hard decision.

Emma's blanket

Finally, it is done! I have finished Emma's baby blanket! The pattern I used is called Tender Blankie. It's very basic and easy. I used US size 7 knitting needles and for the border I used an I9 (5.5mm) crochet hook. I decided to do something bright with lots of color. The pattern calls for 4 knitted squares in the same color to be knitted, sewn together and then a border added. I decided to do each block in a different color, and the border in another color. I picked red, yellow, green and blue for the blocks, and purple for the border.

The blanket is approximately 18-18.5 inches square. The blue and green blocks became stretched out as I was knitting them so it's not a perfect square. I didn't understand the instructions for the border so I made up my own border. That's why I took so long to finish it, I was trying to decide how to finish it up. This is a small blanket. I wanted something small for Emma to be her snuggle or lovey blanket. Here are a few pictures.

Overwhelmed and Unfullfilled

I'm feeling so overwhelmed these days. Being a stay-at-home mom and a wife is so much work and I'm never off. Even when I'm on a break, I'm really still on call. I just can't keep up with the daily and never ending chores. And then there is other stuff that comes up, like dealing with the insurance co. and paperwork since my accident. I don't know what is worse, the daily stuff or the new stuff that is life that pops up constantly. I feel that I'd be able to manage the stuff of life better if I didn't have the daily chores. The never ending line of meals and snacks to be cooked, served, cleaned up, planned, and shopped for. If I never go into another grocery store again...

I just wonder, is this it? Diapers, cooking, cleaning, day after day after day? For the last 664 days what else have I done? I love Emma, I love Tony. I love staying at home, but I just feel that I am running out of steam. I wish I could do something for myself to feel useful, interesting, like a person again. How I can keep this up through another pregnancy and baby? We want at least one more, and if I had #2 exactly 40 weeks from today then Emma would be almost 3 years older. And if we had a #3, then I'd be home for about 8 years at least. I know that one day I'll go back to work. It doesn't really make sense to do that right now when we are planning for another baby. But it's not just a job that I am missing. I'm missing me, the person I was, or thought I was.

Part of the issue is that my social life completely changed when Emma was born. Certain friends I have not heard from again, others only occasionally. But even Tony and I don't have the same relationship, or same amount of time for each other. I try to make new friends with other moms, and I have. I just feel so not like myself this week, that anything positive is lost right now.

Birthday Flowers

Yesterday was my birthday! Tony and Emma took me to dinner, and we had
chocolate cake for dessert. Emma also picked out a balloon and these
lovey pink roses for me.

Wrecked

Last Wednesday I had a wreck. I was on my way to have lunch with my sister. It had been raining earlier in the morning and the road was still wet, although it was not raining at the time. I hit a wet spot and started to slide, then lost control of the car. I crossed over three lanes of traffic, jumped the curb and crashed into the guardrail. The lady behind me stopped and called the police. She was very nice, stayed with me the whole time. It took almost 30 minutes for the police to arrive, but finally an officer showed up. He was really nice. Said it was not my fault, he'd seen this more times that he could count. The lady behind me said that it looked just like I hit a patch of ice and went sliding.

The wreck was bad and good, depending on how you look at it.

Good:
Emma was not in the car.
No other cars were involved. This was a miracle considering it was 11:30am on a busy South Austin highway.
I walked away without a scratch. Just a little neck pain the next day. The guardrail saved me from plunging over the side of the road onto the highway below.
The officer did not cite me, said it wasn't my fault.

Bad:
I totaled the Trailblazer. The total damage is just $800 shy of the value of the car.
We can't afford another car payment without giving up something else. Like Emma's Kid's Day Out.
We *JUST* bought a new car for Tony 4 weeks ago. This is what makes me the most sick.

We aren't sure what we are going do right now. The insurance company will pay us for the Trailblazer, so we have that. But it's not enough to buy another vehicle outright, even used. I don't want to empty out our savings to buy another car so that we only have one payment.

Today I went to the body shop to get all the rest of our stuff out of the vehicle. A few cd's of children's music (Emma has been asking for E-I-O (Old MacDonald)), spare change, miscellaneous papers out of the glove box. I even found an Elmo book under the seat. It was really sad, the poor Trailblazer sitting in a graveyard of wrecked cars. That was the nicest car we'd own until just last month when we got Tony's Accord. Anyway, I said goodbye and took a few pictures.

I have been feeling really bad about the accident. I feel like I screwed up our finances. I feel like I should take Emma out of her school to save money, but I can't bring myself to do that. I need to have that time, but then I feel guilty for that. I feel a big fat pity party starting so I'm going to sign off now.

Nuse! Nuse!

A couple of nights ago I was putting Emma to bed when she kept repeating "nuse, nuse" over and over. She was pretty agitated and I didn't understand what she was telling me. I thought maybe she was trying to tell me something about her nose, but she can say nose really well and this was different. Sometimes I guess I can be a little thick headed, because I didn't get it until Emma signed 'nurse' and then I got it! She was asking to nurse, but she just can't get her r's out yet.

She is really talking so much now. She calls me mommy and it just feel so good! I love being her mommy!

My time? Not quite.

Emma has been in her Kid's Day Out program for 2 weeks now. That's 4 times that I have dropped her off and had a 4 hour chunk of time. So what have I done with this time?

#1. Spent the entire time and then some shopping for and buying a new car. It was a necessary chore but it was made easier by the fact that Emma was at KDO. I'd like to take this time to say goodbye to my little Escort, my first car that I bought right out of college, with my own money. Farewell little blue car, you served me well!

#2. On this day I was not feeling good at all, so I stayed home hoping to get better faster. I just did a few things around the house, but mostly rested on the couch.

#3. This day was better. After dropping Emma off I came home, did a few things around the house, then went to the mall. I did a little shopping/running of errands but then got my makeup done at Dillards. It was really nice to be pampered a bit, and then I met Tony for lunch.

#4. More running around. Went to the grocery store, Target and Babies R Us. By the time I got home, put away all the groceries and ate lunch, I had about 40 minutes before I needed to pick Emma up.

Clearly, I need to think more about how I want to spend this time and what I want to accomplish. It is nice to run errands by myself, but some of these things I can certainly do with Emma. I'd like to go to the gym, spend time in the yard, and work on my photo and knitting projects. Emma really does not like the gym daycare, so I think I need to work out while she is at KDO. So this next week I hope to do something besides running errands. I already plan to have lunch with my sister, so that will be fun. Also, I've got an eye dr appointment on Monday, and I definitely need to do that without Emma. My goal is to make it to the gym and do some yard work, depending on the weather.