Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Overwhelmed and Unfullfilled

I'm feeling so overwhelmed these days. Being a stay-at-home mom and a wife is so much work and I'm never off. Even when I'm on a break, I'm really still on call. I just can't keep up with the daily and never ending chores. And then there is other stuff that comes up, like dealing with the insurance co. and paperwork since my accident. I don't know what is worse, the daily stuff or the new stuff that is life that pops up constantly. I feel that I'd be able to manage the stuff of life better if I didn't have the daily chores. The never ending line of meals and snacks to be cooked, served, cleaned up, planned, and shopped for. If I never go into another grocery store again...

I just wonder, is this it? Diapers, cooking, cleaning, day after day after day? For the last 664 days what else have I done? I love Emma, I love Tony. I love staying at home, but I just feel that I am running out of steam. I wish I could do something for myself to feel useful, interesting, like a person again. How I can keep this up through another pregnancy and baby? We want at least one more, and if I had #2 exactly 40 weeks from today then Emma would be almost 3 years older. And if we had a #3, then I'd be home for about 8 years at least. I know that one day I'll go back to work. It doesn't really make sense to do that right now when we are planning for another baby. But it's not just a job that I am missing. I'm missing me, the person I was, or thought I was.

Part of the issue is that my social life completely changed when Emma was born. Certain friends I have not heard from again, others only occasionally. But even Tony and I don't have the same relationship, or same amount of time for each other. I try to make new friends with other moms, and I have. I just feel so not like myself this week, that anything positive is lost right now.


JessBless said...

Oh, sweetie! I am so sorry that you are overwhelmed with all of this. It is extremely hard. Maybe think about seriously scheduling 'you time'. I know that sounds so cliche, but it really might be important. Your life is about schedules right now...everyone else's but yours. So, maybe you just have to schedule 'you time' and 'date time' and make those just as imperative as nap times for Emma. If you lose the joy in your daily life, so will Emma and Tony. Hang in there. We miss you and would love to have you over soon.

Martha said...

I know exactly how you feel. There are some days I think to myself, "I just want to go to work. Sit in front of a computer, drink coffee, chat with co-workers...." But really what I'm missing is just being me and not having to attend to someone else's physical needs. It sounds like you need some "me" time for sure. I've found that consistent "me" time really helps those feelings. Even if it is only an hour or two every couple of days, it makes a world of difference!