Weaned!

It is done. Emma is weaned. Over all the experience went very well and we only had a few rough days. I wanted to remember this and also have a record for Emma so in addition to blogging I have kept a written journal.

On April 21, 2010, a Wednesday, I decided as I nursed Emma at naptime that this would be the last time. The next few days I wrote about here.

Then on April 28, I did nurse Emma again. She had a couple of rough days and each day at naptime she was becoming more and more upset. On this day she was crying, begging, pleading to nurse. I wasn't feeling great myself, I was upset and I think we both needed that connection one more time. So I told Emma we could try to nurse to show her that the milk was all gone. She latched on and started to nurse. Immediately I felt the tension in her body melt away, she was calm, relaxed and peaceful. She only nursed a few minutes before she was fast asleep. I rocked her for a long time and enjoyed the moment. It also made me feel better to have that physical connection again.

The next day at naptime I was prepared and brought a cup of milk to Emma's room. When she asked to nurse I reminded her that Mommy's milk was all gone but she could have some milk from the cup. She accepted this and took a few sips of milk. There were no tears, she was calm, and naptime was very peaceful.

Over the next few days and weeks Emma would ask to nurse but always accepted my explanation that Mommy's milk was gone. We continued to talk about Mommy's nummies, milk, and nursing but she was not upset when I refused to nurse her. One day I forgot the cup of milk and she didn't ask for it, so we've dropped that at naptime. She never drank much of it anyway and she doesn't seem to want it.

On May 11th I took Emma with me to an Attached Parenting meeting. At this meeting there are lots of nursing babies and toddlers so I was interested in how Emma would react. She saw a baby nursing and asked me to nurse several times. Finally she would not be distracted so I let her attempt to nurse. She latched on but it was as if she had already forgotten how to nurse. She did try and latched on several times before I asked if there was any milk. She said no and stopped nursing. She was just fine, and I think by letting her see for herself there was no milk made it much easier for her. It was very painful so I'm glad she didn't nurse for long!

So that's it, Emma is weaned. She still talks about milk, and my nummies. She likes to hug them and pat them. I never thought I would nurse for so long. It's been the best mothering experience I've had so far. I know it's helped Emma to be as healthy as she is, and helped us establish a wonderful bond. I love her so much, I just hope I can continue to mother her in other ways so that our bond continues to deepen.

Almost

We are almost weaned. We haven't nursed since Wednesday. Thursday at nap time Emma asked to nurse but I refused her for the first time. I tried to explain that there was no more mommy milk and instead I would cuddle her and read her stories. She was ok, she didn't cry or protest. She just made a pouting face and said "aw". But she hasn't been sleeping well since then at all. She has woken up the last 3 nights about 3am, crying and very upset. She doesn't ask to nurse but I think she is upset, but just doesn't know how to explain herself. And Friday night and Saturday night she has been asking to nurse at bedtime. She doesn't get upset but she does pout her lip and slightly whine a bit. I am trying to give her lots of extra cuddles but I have no idea what she is thinking and I'm afraid that I'm doing some silent psychological damage to her. Maybe I am surprised that she's not crying or protesting when I refuse her. But the not sleeping and crying at night just has me worried.

I don't know if I am doing the right thing. I miss it and I know she does too. But I really don't think I have any milk left and it hurts a lot to nurse. My breasts don't seem to be engorged so that's good. I just feel so sad about it, but I feel like it's been 4 days so we should keep going. I think I'm mostly sad because it means she really is growing up and she's not my baby anymore. If she had protested even the slightest bit more or asked repeatedly, I would have probably given in. Who knows, tomorrow I may cave. If she cries or asks repeatedly at nap time I might. I know this process can be a bit back and forth, so it wouldn't mean we were going back to everyday. I am trying to remember everything about Wednesday, April 21, in case that really was the last time we nursed.

Nursing while Pregnant

I'm almost 16 weeks now! Emma is still nursing at nap time, but has begun to skip some days here and there. I think we are getting closer to weaning. Honestly I could probably just tell her no and she'd be mostly fine, I think. I may have to do this soon, as it is starting to hurt to nurse. The first 12 weeks were not a problem, but now I'm really sore. The right side is worse than the left, but I'm still alternating sides each time we nurse.

I'm also feeling the baby move quite a bit now. It's mostly flutters, but I know it's the baby. I feel like I have just gotten off a roller coaster, and my stomach is doing flips. It's really unsettling and still makes me nauseous. I hope as the baby gets bigger the flutters will go away and I'll just feel regular baby movements. I don't remember being so affected by the movements with Emma once I was past 16 weeks.

I'm finally starting to show a bit. My maternity pants are still too big, but regular pants are too tight. So I've been wearing yoga pants for weeks now. Also, I'm back from an A cup to a C cup, in just about 4 weeks. That was fast!

Weaning Update

I think Emma is almost weaned. She has not nursed for a significant amount of time since last Wednesday, March 3rd. Last week we did our normal naptime routine, with her nursing to sleep. Then on Thursday we went to West to visit my parents. I tried to get her to take her usual nap in the afternoon by laying down with her and offering her the breast. She latched on and nursed for maybe a minute, but then stopped. She was too excited to be at Grandmom's and Granddad's house to nurse. After a few hours my mom was able to get her to take a nap, but she just wasn't interested in nursing.

On Friday I tried again several times to nurse her at nap time. She latched on a few times, nursed for 5-10 seconds, then would stop. On Saturday it was the same story, she would latch on and nurse for a few seconds but that's all.

On Sunday I didn't even offer her the breast because we were driving back to Austin and she napped in the car. So today I was very interested to see how things would go. After I picked her up from Mother's Day Out, we played for awhile. I asked if she wanted to nap or to nurse and she said no. I thought about just taking her into her room, to the rocking chair but I didn't. After an hour of playing she was really tired and pretending to nap on the floor. I again offered her to nurse or take a nap and she said no. I then asked if she wanted to watch TV in our bed, and she did. I turned the TV on and within about 10 minutes she was asleep. Without nursing. She had a nice 1.5 hour nap on our bed.

So maybe she is weaned? Maybe tomorrow she'll want to nurse? Now I have to decide if I offer it to her or not. Maybe she's really ready to wean and if so that is ok. I'm a little sad about it. I just love her so much and love the close relationship we've had nursing for over two years. If she is truly done then I'm glad it's her final choice. I did make the decision to cut back a few times over the last 8 months, but if she's really done then I'm happy it's her choice.

Getting closer?

We may be getting a bit closer to weaning Emma. The last two weeks I've been trying to change her naptime routine to more closely resemble her bedtime routine (when she doesn't nurse). We've been reading stories and I offer her water from her night time sippy cup. Most days she still asks to nurse. I try to get her to take the water instead but mostly she still nurses. But the first time she didn't nurse at naptime was Friday, January 8. It was strange really, she didn't even ask to nurse that day! I read stories, she drank her water and then she slowly drifted off to sleep as I rocked and sang songs to her.

On Monday January 11 it worked again. She asked to nurse but when I offered the water she accepted it without any tears so I went with it. Day two of napping without nursing! Then on Wednesday January 13 we didn't nurse again, but it wasn't a smooth naptime. She asked repeatedly, about 10 times. If she had started to cry I would have nursed her but she didn't. So that was day 3 of not nursing at naptime.

Then on Sunday, the 17th, we didn't nurse because we were traveling back from Waco. I timed it so that we left when Emma was tired and she just feel asleep in the car. But this week she has demanded to nurse everyday and when I try to distract her with water and books she's not buying it. So I will keep trying and hoping that she can adjust to not nursing.

Two Week Update

I think it's done. The bedtime weaning is done. Tonight I put Emma to bed by myself and didn't nurse her, and neither of us cried!

Last week Tony had a dinner meeting with a client, so I had to put Emma to bed alone that night too. It was December 10, 2009. The last time I nursed Emma to bed. I tried to not nurse her but she was very upset and crying so I told her we could nurse for 10 minutes, then she would have to lay down in her bed. That worked, she went to bed willingly and didn't cry when I left her room.

Tonight I was afraid that she'd get upset again. She did ask to nurse several times but each time I said "remember we don't nurse at bedtime anymore." I read books to her instead and she drank her cup of water. Tony has been reading books to her at bedtime and I think she is really enjoying it, because we read four books tonight. After the 4th book I turned off the light and just rocked her and sang. She asked for the light a few times but wasn't upset and didn't ask to nurse again.

I sang and rocked for about 15 minutes, then told her it was goodnight time and laid her in her bed. She didn't cry! I was amazed. I'm a little sad but also very happy that we've established a new routine so fast that is happier for everyone.

One week

Monday was one week since I nursed Emma at night and put her to bed. Mostly I think it's going well. She seems to be adjusting just fine. Last night it only took Tony about 15 minutes to put her to bed. She cried a little when I said goodnight and left them in her room, but once I left she was fine.

I am feeling better now that she's doing well with it. I have much more energy in the evening and am actually getting things done quickly and still having time to relax. I am going to bed early or on time because I don't feel that I must stay up later to get things done.

I am also coming to realize that complete weaning is not too far off. So I'm really enjoying and appreciating the one time a day we do nurse. I am trying to memorize Emma's sweet face looking up at me, and how relaxed and warm her little body feels in my arms. I love to cradle her and hold her so close. I hope that I can continue to cradle her after we've weaned, whenever that does happen.

Bedtime weaning update

Tonight Daddy put Emma to bed without a fuss or a tear. From Emma that is. I am still sad. When we announced it was time for bed, she gave me several long looks, like she was wondering what I was going to do. But she went up with Daddy and never asked to nurse or cried when he put her to bed. I guess I am doing ok, I didn't cry through the whole bedtime tonight. I am still nursing at nap time and trying to enjoy and appreciate every minute of it. Today at nap time Emma fell asleep fairly quickly, within 10 minutes. But the first 4-5 times I tried to unlatch her, she woke up and asked to nurse more. So of course I did. I'm sure she was just trying to hang out since it's the only time we nurse now. My supply already has slow down so I'm not dealing with any discomfort.

#3

Tonight was the 3rd night a row that Tony put Emma to bed. She did great, hardly crying and going to sleep in record time. The fact that I'm not nursing her at bedtime really hit me hard tonight. I'm not sure why, but I feel extremely sad and I'm wishing that I hadn't initiated this next step in weaning.

I feel terrible that the last night I nursed her, Nov. 30, 2009, I didn't know it was the last time. I didn't remember it, appreciate it or enjoy it. I was tired, moody and irritated that she wanted to nurse for so long and when I finally put her in her bed I was very frustrated. I came downstairs and told Tony that I was done with bedtime, I couldn't do it anymore. Maybe I shouldn't have made such a big decision when I was upset. Probably shouldn't have. But I did. And now I don't know what to do about it.

Sure, I could change things back, start nursing her at night again. But I feel like that's not fair to Emma, and would be very confusing. Especially if I was just doing it so that I could say 'this is the last time'. I am still nursing her at naptime, so we haven't weaned completely. And knowing that I'm not nursing her at bedtime has made me more aware of cuddling Emma and holding her close during the day. And it's good for Tony and Emma to have some bedtime cuddles together. I shouldn't get all the love at bedtime.

But this is a huge change for Emma and for me. We've been nursing for almost two years and I love the bond that it has built between us. We worked so hard in the beginning to get this going. I wish I could keep it going until Emma was ready to stop, but I'm just wearing out too soon to do that.

Today

Today has been ok. Since we still have only one car, and Tony had a meeting up north at 9am, I was not able to take Emma to Mother's Day Out. I spent a lot of time trying to connect with her, playing with her and reading to her. She seems to be fine, she's been happy, playing well and eating well. At her nap time we did nurse. She was very content and nursed for about 15 minutes and feel asleep. I was ready for her to nurse too. After skipping last night, my left side was starting to hurt. I think it will take about to week for my milk supply to go down, and then I won't have the discomfort. I am still sad thinking that we are another step closer to completely weaning, but then a part of me is also feeling some relief. I know the nights will be hard for a while until Emma adjusts to her Daddy putting her to bed. I hope that it won't be too long before we can both put her to bed peacefully without nursing. It would be nice to take turns and share the bedtime duties.

Weaning Update

Tonight I did not nurse Emma at bedtime. Instead, Tony read to her, rocked her, and put her to bed. It was very hard. Emma was upset and crying at times, as was I. She called for me repeatedly and asked to nurse. Tony was able to calm her down and she did eventually go to sleep.

I have really been feeling burned out on nursing and the whole bedtime routine lately. After we cut back in the summer I hoped that as Emma got older she would start to lose interest on her own, but instead she asks to nurse more than the 2 times a day we have been. At night she wants to nurse for 30-45 minutes and that just leaves me feeling tired and drained. By the time I'd get her to bed I would be frustrated and tired and there wasn't much evening time left for me to have to myself. I started to limit the nursing to about 15 or 20 minutes, but then Emma would be very upset, and so I'd lay down on the floor by her crib to be near her until she fell asleep. But I ran out of patience for that, so I'd have to sneak out of her room.

I have conflicting feelings about stopping the bedtime nursing. On the one hand I feel that Emma really needs that connection to me. But then I am feeling so tired and a little bit trapped by it. I feel guilty that my own needs are conflicting with Emma's needs. I wish I wasn't feeling this way, that I could keep nursing Emma as much as she wants. But at some point I have to take my own needs into consideration. That's just a very hard thing to do, when your baby is crying and you have to make the hard decision.

Weaning Update

The last week has been a difficult one. I have completely stopped nursing Emma when she wakes during the night. There were some rough nights with lots of crying, from Emma and Mommy. One night (or morning really) she was up from 3-5:30 crying and wanting to nurse. I tried to rock her and walk with her, and offered her water. I tried to explain that at night everyone goes to bed, and there is no nursing. But I don't think she can really understand that yet. But the last two nights she has made it all night without waking up.

After we stopped the night nursing, a few days later we stopped the morning nursing too. Emma is getting up pretty early, usually about 6:45. I bring her downstairs and offer her a yogurt drink and other food for breakfast. I do miss snuggling in our bed with her, but I know one day again we can do that when she is older and won't associate it with nursing. She still asks to nurse every morning and at various times during the day. But now we are down to just naptime and bedtime.

I do hope that my body will notice the decrease in nursing and stop making so much milk. I am still feeling so full and of course my left side is still an overachiever in the milk production.

Overall I think that Emma is adjusting well. I'm sad and miss the extra quiet and cuddle time that each nursing opportunity gives us. I am not at all ready to cut out another nursing session yet. I don't even know how I would do that, I think she will be very opposed to stopping our before nap and bed time nursings.

Weaning

We are talking about weaning Emma, actually have been for some time. I have a lot of thoughts and feeling on the subject. I'm pretty conflicted about it. Emma is now 18 months old and I've been feeling pressure to wean her for at least 6 months. I would love to nurse her until she weans gradually on her own but we'd also like to have another baby soon, and the nursing is keeping that from happening.

So we have been cutting back for a few months. We now only nurse 3 times a day, and occasionally during the night if she wakes up. Just a few months ago we were still nursing 7-8 times a day and more at night. I think part of that was because she was teething. She got about 8 teeth with in two months so she wanted to nurse all the time. Even though we are only nursing in the morning, at nap time and bed time, she asks to nurse at other times in the day. It's hard to distract her from this but I am trying. I'd love to just cuddle her and give her some milk or water but it seems like she can't sit in my lap without wanting to nurse. And she does not like cow's milk at all. I've also tried soy milk but this girl just wants water or breastmilk!

I don't know why she still has such a great interest in nursing. I play with her a lot and try to bond with her in other ways but she still wants to nurse. I feel guilty for trying to wean her when she still has this great need. We worked so hard in the beginning to get the nursing to work so part of me doesn't want to let that go.

I am going to try to drop another nursing session this week. Not sure if the morning or nap time session is better, but I imagine either one will be hard. How do I get her to sleep without nursing? I can't rock her without her wanting to nurse. I wish my milk supply would decrease but it's still going strong. If I drop the morning session, I will miss snuggling with her in our bed as she nurses. She's so sweet and still when she nurses! She just looks up at me with her beautiful blue eyes and touches my face so softly.

I am afraid of really hurting her in some way by weaning before she's ready. I don't want her to harbor bad feelings toward me. But part of me feels that it is time, that I want to wean her. I just wish it would be easy. But it's not going to be, so I have to be strong and focused and just do it. But which part of me is right? See, I'm just conflicted in my feelings and it makes it very hard to figure out what is right, what I really want to do. I guess I really just need to pray about this and give it to God, and hopefully that will help me figure this out.